Because the guy I like has put me in the dark depths of the ‘friend zone,’ it comes as no surprise that I am once again back to online dating. In fact I’d argue I’m even more invested than ever before; I’ve got an account on the classic Tinder, the lady friendly Bumble, the more serious Coffee Meets Bagel, and the aesthetically pleasing Hinge.
There are five stages to online dating. One, initial charm and intrigue: You convince yourself that this time this app will be the one, the one where you meet your next S.O. like all your other paired-up friends have. Two, chasing Moby Dick: You’ve cast your net, set up some bait and are reeling in plenty of fish to the point that it’s a real ego boost. Three, it was all a dream stage: You’ve gone on a couple of good dates, but those guys aren’t calling you back, so you go on a couple of bad dates, and those guys don’t seem to want to leave you alone, and now you regret giving them your social handles. Four, what’s the point: You’ve begun to lose interest in the whole online dating process, when you swipe on Tinder your so picky that even one awkward photo makes you swipe left, and you feel like every guy you like only meets half of your basic standards. Five, you decide to delete all your dating apps and just meet guys IRL, because that seems so easy and less complicated, right?
I can say I’m in the middle of stage four, and have started to whine to my friends about being close to stage five. As I was complaining to my best friend from High School, Sheila* (all names are fake, cause privacy, obviously), she asked me a good question: What does it take for you to swipe right? Now this question differs significantly from the typical, “what’s your type,” question. To sum up Shelia’s point, what’s the bare minimum you need to give a guy a chance? My response, probably because we had his exchange on Snapchat, was honest. “I’m vain,” I explained. I want someone who’s good looking.
The video Sheila refers to is actually a YouTube video about speed dating that originally a filmmaker based in Seoul who goes by the channel Solfa put out. In Jubilee Media’s version, a girl sits in the middle of a circle of 20 potential make suitors. She then begins to ask them questions based on her preferences. One by one—or in some cases a swarm—the guys leave the circle, unable to meet her expectations, until there are only 3 guys left. Then she tells them the final one. “Please leave the circle if you’re younger than me. She’s 26. All of the guys leave and she remarks, “I’m going to die alone.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that exact phrase…
The video points at one of the obstacles of dating in general, our unrealistic expectations. When I showed it to my friends I got varied responses. Elise, a current law student at U Chicago, laughed at having such high standards. “I’d even date a guy who’s 5’4″ as long as he doesn’t have a complex about it.” Sarah, an administrative aide for a senator and resident angel, said she respected the girl’s dedication to her dating standards, even if it meant she ended up alone.
Their comments and the video not only made me wonder about my own standards when it came to dating, but if these standards changed in and out of online dating.
Take my current crush. He’s not 6′ and skinny, my usual height to weight ration; he’s 5’10” and athletic, though not that muscular. I had seen him around before, but I hadn’t become cognizant of liking him till my friend, Maya suggested it. “He’s an ikemen, totally your type,” she assured me. After getting drinks with a group, he and I branched off to talk alone, and our conversation lasted for hours. I can honestly say that was when I started to notice him as a potential love interest. And since that night we’ve had many more times of hanging out together where I feel the same way, where I’m attracted to the things we talk about.
Now I’ve always been one to score way higher on the verbal sections of tests, so maybe I’m biased, but if I think about it, that’s where most of my relationships begin, talking. Which begs the question, can that same combo of conversation and chemistry exist in online dating?
This is where I introduce you to the two guys I’ve been flirting/texting with since the start of this week. After reducing my standards—dropping height to 5’8, and being okay with guys who aren’t always photogenic—both interactions have led to dates for this weekend. Will the witty banter and meaningful conversations we’ve had via text continue? I don’t know, but I guess until you open your self up to the possibility, you’ll never know.
Feminine Writer 